The First Day of Christmas

     "This is Carl Azuz coming at you live from the North Pole!" the newsman screamed as harsh winds whipped against his blazer. "I'd love to tell you all about the weather, but if I go on too long I'll get winded. BOOM! Y'all just been Carled! Ever since the cancellation of my show Azuzfeld I've gotten back into journalism. I've decided to track down the spirit of Christmas, but once I arrived at the North Pole the trail ran cold! Get it? Cold? Like the temperature!?!? BOOM! Carled again!"

     The sound of blustering snow echoed through the air and laughter was noticeably absent.

     "I'm at the top of the world at the would-be location of Santa's workshop, but as it is plain to see, it's not there! But I guess up here nothing is plain to see. It's all tundra to see. Get it? Plains and tundras? There both biomes! BOOM! Science joke! My jokes are off the charts!" Carl held up an empty chart with one hand and a piece of paper reading 'my jokes' above it with the other. "It should be a crime to be this funny! You're gonna need to lock me in a cage. A FARADAY CAGE! The worst part is I won't be able to call for help. Get it? Because once inside a Faraday Cage it is nearly impossible to receive cellular reception unless you have Verizon Wireless in which case you have a better chance because of the signals they use!"

     Carl's camera man gave him the hand signal which meant his jokes were only appealing to a very small (or nonexistent) percentage of his viewers.

     "Whoops I'm getting the 'You are not funny' signal from my bisexual cameraman, Joseph. Guess I better cut the cheese," he farted, "and cut to the chase. The spirit of Christmas is missing and all the clues point towards Santa's workshop. I'm sending a message out to my millions of loyal fans." He pointed directly into the camera! "Do you have what it takes to help me save the spirit of Christmas?!"

The Second Day of Christmas >>>>>